laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Fuck appropriateness.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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