..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
