I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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