So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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