May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
