I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
