While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
