ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I have post one night stand depression
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