Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
