She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
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Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
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We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
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