Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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