what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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