The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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