My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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