I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
