if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Randomize
