I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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