How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
