He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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