Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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