I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
