do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
