do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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