He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I think I sprained my soul last night
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
