So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
