In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You have to summon your inner elephant
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
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