He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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