your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
