Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
