This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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