So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
