toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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