i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
