watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
