I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
