I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
