there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
