I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
