So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
