apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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