a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize