the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
