Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
