please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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