Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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