how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
