plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
