Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
This is not my ceiling
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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