Just fell off a train. Bad.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
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