the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
