I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
there is puke in my bra ... again
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
