a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Send help, water and tortillas.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
