watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
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