He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Randomize
