Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
