Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
ugly people sure do ruin things
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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