I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
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