Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
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