my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
